a chapter in our lives...

I feel before I start blogging on where we are now and challenge we face, I feel I should fill in where it all began. So here it goes...its long...(taken from my own diary)

Yesterday marks the day to a year ago the 26th Dec 2008, when it seems this chapter in our lives began... it was the day after Christmas and all I wanted for Christmas was a baby... for as long as I can remember its been my hearts desire to have a baby... i always felt as though I was put on this earth to have children. I woke up early that morning as I had this overwhelming feeling in my heart to do a pregnancy test (my AF was 2 days late). So I POAS*. As I sat there I immediately saw a second faint pink line appear....I sprinted to the bed where Tom lay still trying to wake up. “Babe babe is there really a second line or am I imagining it?” to which he replied, “yes babe it is, but don’t get too excited as it could be wrong” a big smile grew on his face as I lay there with my heart beating out of my chest. We promised not to say anything to anyone until we had a blood test to confirm our excitement. Minutes felt like hours and I was bubbling over to share the news.... so with much convincing, I picked up the phone and called my mother who was on holiday with dad in Holland, “mom, I said, mom, I’m pregnant...” 

As you can imagine we landed up telling everyone in the house that morning, and the entire family who was with us on the beach in Port Edward. Even my friend Tanya who was 8 weeks pregnant at the time and on holiday with us, was even convinced that 2 lines means a positive. We had to wait till the next day (with today being Boxing day) to go for a blood test. The next day confirmed that our dream had come true and we were truly pregnant. *sigh* a year of trying and finally it was happening...

My appointment with my gynie had been pre-booked for the 29th January 2008 an appointment I made 2 months ago. I was scheduled to go for a laparoscope in Jan, from years of suffering from severe AF* pains and a year of not conceiving, my gynie suspected I might have endometriosis. Suspected was the operative word...

The next few weeks for me where quite difficult as I suffered from bad nausea all day as well as chronic fatigue all the time, sometimes I would think I was not sure who would be able to come pick me up out of the bath... everyone told me it was normal, except my sister-in-law who was convinced I was suffering from pre-natal depression. The weekend of the 25th of Jan, in Ballito bay seemed to be the toughest on me as all I could do is sleep. On the sunday before returning home, tom and I went for a walk on the beach together and shared in the excitement of our baby bloom running around on the beach not long from now - reality set in and we were both so excited for that day... the only thing putting a damper on my joy was the way I felt, I just could not shake it...tired tired tired all the time.

Monday morning I was laying in the bath and for the first time I felt different, I held my tummy and stopped for a moment to sense that feeling of ‘life’, my heart skipped a beat, but I told myself to stop being neurotic and think positive. The next day was our big day...the first time we would see baby bloom...

On the way to the gynie I can’t help but feel nervous, I don’t know how I’m suppose to feel, but I just suspect its normal (I’ve never done this....Im thinking). Negative thoughts aside, I never for one moment suspected what happened next. As I lay on the bed and took the first look at the scan, I saw this little baby lying on the screen, I immediately turned to look at tom and said wow this is so exciting, to which my gynie looked at me and said, “do you still feel pregnant” I immediately knew something was wrong :(

Unfortunately the babies heart had just stopped. The fetus was nine and half weeks, and I was nine and a half weeks pregnant which means the little heart had stopped a few days before - it’s what they call a missed miscarriage. At that point I thought I was in a nightmare and that this could not be happening...I couldn’t even cry, I couldn’t believe it.

It was Tuesday and my D&C was scheduled for Friday morning. I kept saying what if its a mistake perhaps the machine is faulty, I even scheduled for another scan at another hospital to check but they confirmed that there was absolutely no circulation, and no heartbeat. I scheduled another scan with my gynie for the thursday, the day before the procedure, just to make sure there was no life...it was so so hard for me - the heartache was something I can not express....it still pains me today - as if it happened yesterday.

I found out after the d&c that our baby was a girl.

Its weird that there are particular days that are harder for me, like the day baby bloom was due to be born 1 September 2008, and like yesterday the day we found out that we were pregnant, all these memory dates I suppose are all part of the healing process, and maybe just maybe when we fall pregnant again, the pain will fade and feel a little less painful...maybe just maybe? (I must say reading this now the pain has gotten better, but the hope that things could have been different doesn't go away)**

I first thought was we will get through this together and we can try again soon..after the d&c we should be fertile and it should all happen soon, but as we found out, God’s time is not our time.

We thought starting over was going to follow soon after, but that’s when it all began...

AF* (Aunt Flow)
POAS* (Pee On A Stick)
** (comments from now)

.......to be continued