Dream

One of my favourite songs says "I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

(take a listen below)

Ever since I was a little girl if there is one thing I can remember, it was always a BIG dream in my little world, the desire to have a baby...who knew it would be this hard.

Today if I ask myself how I am feeling....uhmm I just can't put my finger on it, I feel like this unstable person who has no control over my emotions, from extreme tears to extreme happiness all in 5 minutes. My body is also feeling it in all sorts of ways...it won't let me forget for one second that my heart wants there to be a little life snuggled in there for the long run.

Not long now before we do the test and I try and convince myself that it will be fine if this is not God's time, but I'm not sure if I will be ok (this too changes from moment to moment)...

Sorry this post is all over the place - like my emotions...

Through this all I know for one thing my child (children) will never be able to say they were never wanted ;) - we want them more then anything, and will bring them up to be children of God, well mannered, and LOVING! I pray for blonde hair, with curls (like their father), blue blue eyes, long eyelashes, healthy in every way, filled with joy, happiness, fun, adventure! If its a girl we have the perfect name for her....and if its a boy (my friends will be praying for me - cause if he would be anything like his father - I would have grey hair by the time Im 40:) You know what I say...bring on that little spirit of adventure (double dose). For those of you who know tom-a-hawk you know what I mean about an adventurous, naughty little spirit:) I love you babes - God picked you for me - just for me!

I said to myself today I will never moan that I am tired from lack of sleep...(we will talk again once I have not slept for 2 weeks:)

Ok so I am writing all this - but still don't know what to think or how to feel. Oh God please give me Your peace that only You can give...I want to walk this walk with You...cause You know I am not strong enough to do this on my own.

I pray here tonight too to bless all the girls (couples) out there trying to conceive a baby, some have been trying for much longer and have been through much more, no mater how long or how difficult their walk - it is difficult and I pray for them all that You will hear their prayers and hearts desire.

Today was my last gestone injection, which helps keep the lining of the womb thick (I had to inject myself in my bum) that injection needle is huge and I had to stick it right in...continue with the cyclogest (progesterone) till test day. Also on folic acid and a quarter disprin everyday to thin the blood and prevent blood clots...i think.

The way I feel right now is - exhausted and ready for a new day! So I'm gonna log off, snuggle up to my man and have a good nights rest. Its in God's hands - His Will be done! (even though I believe this with all my heart and soul, I still find my self questioning God but why not now...I guess I am just human and God know's me...I am very strong willed and if there is something I want I will go out and get it - will work hard for it - won't give up. But this is something completely out of my control, and I find myself surrendering it all to you God.

You know best.

Can't wait for Your time. I will be a happy lady and my DH will be one very happy baby daddy..I will hold on to this hope.

I'm ready now to fly from the highest tree....