I believe its faith...

I'm sitting here at the hairdresser getting my long overdue highlights. You see while you going through the whole IVF cycle you want to give those little *lully's* every chance they have... (which meant no harsh highlights on my roots:) ...

So I am excited for a fresh new hair-do and most of all excited for my trip to Dubai tomorrow - going to visit my best friend (other then my husband) - my mother and my hard working dad - whom I love to bits - miss them both so much! Wahoo I am super excited for a bit of sun, and R & R...God knows I need it - my soul needs it - my body needs it :) Just need to get away for the crazy hectic day to day pressures of life, with the whole baby thing added on top of that...Dubai is a little escape for me... just wish my man was escaping with me! He is away on a 10 day Conference at Sun City...doing the things boys love most...riding, talking, eating, sleeping motor bikes :) Polaris motor bikes ;)

...wait lets try this again - ok I'm now sitting at the airport about to board a flight to the tropical desert of Dubai:) I call it Planet Dubai - cause I feel like I have left this world and landed somewhere else when I go there - it does not feel like reality.

By the way my hair looks and feels great again (well to me) I have the best hairdresser in the world! Look out for Rich & Famous in Bedfordview - name replacing "Square Bubble"

So...on to why I am sharing this *crazy-wild-all-over-the-place* post....(sitting on the plane now waiting to take off...)

I don't think there is one day that goes by where I am not thinking about that little life that will one day be ours, that I feel is already apart of us, maybe its weird, maybe its wrong for me to imagine it, or maybe its just faith....I would like to believe its faith...

I went to my mom's house to drop off a whole bunch of baby stuff that I have been given, collected on my world travels and that people have blessed me with (also in faith) over time. One of the gifts is this beautiful wooden cradle from the UK, it was my cousin's who had all 3 of her children conceived via the miracle of IVF, first the twins (Thea & Fletcher) then our gorgeous little boy Corin. The cradle has been at my house for awhile but after the news of our BFN, I just felt I should store it away for a little while as not to continually remind me every time I see it in the garage:) So I took it to my folks house and I set it up in one of the spare rooms - I didn't just want to pack it away in the cupboard in fear of losing the screws and parts, so I put it up. As I was doing that Bossie the *Godly* women who works for my mom said now this is awesome - this is an act of faith, this is you believing and acting on what your heart desires - you are preparing for what you are praying and trusting for, and I thought wow - that is an awesome way of looking at it. Some people would say that is tempting fate or whatever, but that's actually me believing! Awesome:) It will happen, we will have beautiful children its just a matter of when it's our turn - God's time...His word does not say "if it is My will" His word says "it is my Will for you to have children and be fruitful and multiply" that is the blessing God has for His children and I am a child of God and I know he will bless us with a baby/babies...

Watch this space - I believe it!

...I finished typing this blog at 10 000 feet in the sky - so will only be able to publish it when I get back online....thinking of all you beautiful peeps reading this...I pray you too get ALL your hearts desires - just believe xoxo

Your love never fails...

As I write this post the tears are rolling down my face -- today we found out that our *lully's* never made it. My blood's came back negative.

I don't really know what to say as I (still) don't know how to feel, this morning I was very strong and kind of relieved that at least we knew a result...but this afternoon reality has set in. I feel like my body has let me down and perhaps its incapable of carrying a baby...it hurts. it hurts alot. Not knowing what will be. This is so hard. Am I strong enough to get through this? Disappointment after disappointment.

It's heart breaking to see how affected your family are by such a disappointment - just seeing them cry breaks my heart - its fine for me to cry but I can't stand to see them so hurt!

We will get through this...I hope.

Although my body has failed me this time...one thing I know is...
"Your love NEVER fails.
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning...
And when the oceans rage i don't have to be afraid because I know you love me...
Your love NEVER fails...no no no never!

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good...

I believe this. God mend my broken heart. Please.

Dream

One of my favourite songs says "I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

(take a listen below)

Ever since I was a little girl if there is one thing I can remember, it was always a BIG dream in my little world, the desire to have a baby...who knew it would be this hard.

Today if I ask myself how I am feeling....uhmm I just can't put my finger on it, I feel like this unstable person who has no control over my emotions, from extreme tears to extreme happiness all in 5 minutes. My body is also feeling it in all sorts of ways...it won't let me forget for one second that my heart wants there to be a little life snuggled in there for the long run.

Not long now before we do the test and I try and convince myself that it will be fine if this is not God's time, but I'm not sure if I will be ok (this too changes from moment to moment)...

Sorry this post is all over the place - like my emotions...

Through this all I know for one thing my child (children) will never be able to say they were never wanted ;) - we want them more then anything, and will bring them up to be children of God, well mannered, and LOVING! I pray for blonde hair, with curls (like their father), blue blue eyes, long eyelashes, healthy in every way, filled with joy, happiness, fun, adventure! If its a girl we have the perfect name for her....and if its a boy (my friends will be praying for me - cause if he would be anything like his father - I would have grey hair by the time Im 40:) You know what I say...bring on that little spirit of adventure (double dose). For those of you who know tom-a-hawk you know what I mean about an adventurous, naughty little spirit:) I love you babes - God picked you for me - just for me!

I said to myself today I will never moan that I am tired from lack of sleep...(we will talk again once I have not slept for 2 weeks:)

Ok so I am writing all this - but still don't know what to think or how to feel. Oh God please give me Your peace that only You can give...I want to walk this walk with You...cause You know I am not strong enough to do this on my own.

I pray here tonight too to bless all the girls (couples) out there trying to conceive a baby, some have been trying for much longer and have been through much more, no mater how long or how difficult their walk - it is difficult and I pray for them all that You will hear their prayers and hearts desire.

Today was my last gestone injection, which helps keep the lining of the womb thick (I had to inject myself in my bum) that injection needle is huge and I had to stick it right in...continue with the cyclogest (progesterone) till test day. Also on folic acid and a quarter disprin everyday to thin the blood and prevent blood clots...i think.

The way I feel right now is - exhausted and ready for a new day! So I'm gonna log off, snuggle up to my man and have a good nights rest. Its in God's hands - His Will be done! (even though I believe this with all my heart and soul, I still find my self questioning God but why not now...I guess I am just human and God know's me...I am very strong willed and if there is something I want I will go out and get it - will work hard for it - won't give up. But this is something completely out of my control, and I find myself surrendering it all to you God.

You know best.

Can't wait for Your time. I will be a happy lady and my DH will be one very happy baby daddy..I will hold on to this hope.

I'm ready now to fly from the highest tree....

I know the date you were conceived...

On the 11th July 2010 the day of the Soccer World Cup Final - Netherlands (my team) vs Spain - was the day we went in for my ER* and its on this day that you my 2 little *lully's* were conceived and started to grow, you continued to grow strong - you were put back into my tummy on the 14th July 2010 where you belong and I hope, with all my heart and soul and every fiber of my being, that you grow till I get to hold you one day! Nothing will ever take away this amazing feeling and experience of hope, and to see just how absolutely amazing this whole process is and if it was not for this technology alot of us (over 1 million babies born through IVF) would not get to be mom's! The first IVF baby was born in 1978 (the year I was born - nearly 32 years ago).

God bless these 2 lully's in my tummy.

Night world, until tomorrow, rest knowing that the creator of the universe is completely besotted with you!

IVF not for sissy's....we are hero's ladies;)

Here is post I shared 2 weeks ago when I started with this IVF cycle (injections) and posted it on the fertilicare website...thought I would share it here...

As I sit here at my desk...I feel like a pharmacist, mixing my 2 capsules of liquid with 4 cylinders of powder - yes Im on Menopur (extra dose - as I don't stimulate well in previous IVF & IUI cycles)....all the different syringes and needles...I look at all of this and say oh boy IVF is definitely not for sissy's! What us ladies have to go through to get our hearts desire! Then comes the 'injecting myself bit' which is not that bad (but for alot of women who hate syringes - it is a BIG thing). Then comes the waves of emotions that come with the injections and the double doses of hormones - this process is not for sissy's in actual fact I think we are hero's - we are actually very brave as we face each day of the cycle which brings new joys and new tears each step of the way!

We are attempting our second round of IVF (with hydro's and all - as having my tubes removed is a high risk procedure for me considering all the previous surgery I have had and the really bad scar tissue which lies hidden beneath my skin)...we are going against the odds and giving it to God this time - I know what the doctors have said (chances are reduced by half with hydrosalpinges) but God is God and He is a God of miracles and that is exactly what we need! A BIG MIRACLE So in faith we stand together as husband and wife and we go through this journey (putting all our faith in the almighty) and thanking HIM for giving us such awesome doctors and technology and we just brace each step of the way day by day!

I am thinking of all who go through this journey daily - and find comfort that I am not alone - but wish that all our dreams to become mom's and dad's will come true! They will I know they will one way or another....just hold onto your desire and keep believing in miracle *faith* - believing in what is unseen!

I have my first scan on wednesday CD10 to see how my follicles are growing and how many I have! I pray and pray and pray that our baby is in one of them (please God please)....

For all my cycle buddies - all the best with the emotions, moods, tears, joys of the journey...at least we have each other - who understand exactly how difficult this all is!

Lots of love xoxoxo

a new day...

Let me begin with "IT'S FREEZING in Jo'burg"! I am snuggled in a blanket, on top of my heater at my computer, catching up on some design work and emails! I will shortly be retiring back to the couch to watch a DVD and rest...and I don't even feel guilty!

I am feeling great - no side effects to the progesterone (cyclogest) this time - only maybe an increased appetite, but that could be the cold weather too!

When we went on wednesday for the ET* I was chatting to the sister and said to her that it is so weird I have absolutely no memory of the ER* I just remember feeling drowzy after the *dormican* and then she gave me an injection and I was like *no memory* - the next thing I can remember was being back in my ward...my DH said I was awake the whole time - I even spoke to my sister (K) - which I have no memory of. Apparently the injection they give is the same as they use for the 'date rape' drug - I was awake and responsive the entire procedure - I just have no memory of it. So if they told me to lift my leg - I did!!! That is so crazy! I even climbed (with help from my doc) back into a wheel chair (lift was broken) to return to the ward. The procedure took a whole 15 minutes to harvest my 6 eggs. I even said to the sister - you guys must have a few laughs, and she said there have been some really funny moments of people telling them all their secrets :):) and this one lady said to the doctor "Dr I put my special panties on for you today" now my FS is VERY shy and he apparently didn't know what to do he just smiled and left the room....lol!

What us women go through to have our babies - we are brave brave brave!

how we got here...

It's been a very long road since that pregnancy that I don't wish to go into as it is so much detail and just exhausts me to think of it, but long story short, I have stage 4 endometriosis, and had a lap to remove the endo and they perferated my colon and so I spent 2 months in hospital (ICU) fighting for my life - with prayer and a miracle - I recovered, but the infection in my abdomen damaged my tubes and therefore blocked them off - leaving us with IVF* as our only option to fall pregnant. It took us 2 and half years and more operations to find out that my tubes are damaged beyond repair.

We have found the most awesome FS*...we are now in the 2ww* of our 2nd IVF cycle. I had 6 egg's of which 2 fertilized. The other 4 were immature and never grew further (so no snowbabies* for us as MellissaCPT would say). The 2 fertilized embies were of good quality and we hope and pray they snuggle in nicely and stay there for another 8 months!!

As we wait for these little babies to grow and grow and develop, I will share our joys, tears, laughs, every step of the way.

There are so many couples out there in the same boat who know exactly the heartache you feel when you get a negative HPT* or blood test result - the devastation you feel is beyond explanation, but you find the strength and the hope to continue along this road on our journey to get our hearts desire...a baby.

*IVF - Invitro Fertilization
*FS - Fertility Specialist
*2ww - 2 week wait before blood test
*HPT - Home Pregnancy Test

a chapter in our lives...

I feel before I start blogging on where we are now and challenge we face, I feel I should fill in where it all began. So here it goes...its long...(taken from my own diary)

Yesterday marks the day to a year ago the 26th Dec 2008, when it seems this chapter in our lives began... it was the day after Christmas and all I wanted for Christmas was a baby... for as long as I can remember its been my hearts desire to have a baby... i always felt as though I was put on this earth to have children. I woke up early that morning as I had this overwhelming feeling in my heart to do a pregnancy test (my AF was 2 days late). So I POAS*. As I sat there I immediately saw a second faint pink line appear....I sprinted to the bed where Tom lay still trying to wake up. “Babe babe is there really a second line or am I imagining it?” to which he replied, “yes babe it is, but don’t get too excited as it could be wrong” a big smile grew on his face as I lay there with my heart beating out of my chest. We promised not to say anything to anyone until we had a blood test to confirm our excitement. Minutes felt like hours and I was bubbling over to share the news.... so with much convincing, I picked up the phone and called my mother who was on holiday with dad in Holland, “mom, I said, mom, I’m pregnant...” 

As you can imagine we landed up telling everyone in the house that morning, and the entire family who was with us on the beach in Port Edward. Even my friend Tanya who was 8 weeks pregnant at the time and on holiday with us, was even convinced that 2 lines means a positive. We had to wait till the next day (with today being Boxing day) to go for a blood test. The next day confirmed that our dream had come true and we were truly pregnant. *sigh* a year of trying and finally it was happening...

My appointment with my gynie had been pre-booked for the 29th January 2008 an appointment I made 2 months ago. I was scheduled to go for a laparoscope in Jan, from years of suffering from severe AF* pains and a year of not conceiving, my gynie suspected I might have endometriosis. Suspected was the operative word...

The next few weeks for me where quite difficult as I suffered from bad nausea all day as well as chronic fatigue all the time, sometimes I would think I was not sure who would be able to come pick me up out of the bath... everyone told me it was normal, except my sister-in-law who was convinced I was suffering from pre-natal depression. The weekend of the 25th of Jan, in Ballito bay seemed to be the toughest on me as all I could do is sleep. On the sunday before returning home, tom and I went for a walk on the beach together and shared in the excitement of our baby bloom running around on the beach not long from now - reality set in and we were both so excited for that day... the only thing putting a damper on my joy was the way I felt, I just could not shake it...tired tired tired all the time.

Monday morning I was laying in the bath and for the first time I felt different, I held my tummy and stopped for a moment to sense that feeling of ‘life’, my heart skipped a beat, but I told myself to stop being neurotic and think positive. The next day was our big day...the first time we would see baby bloom...

On the way to the gynie I can’t help but feel nervous, I don’t know how I’m suppose to feel, but I just suspect its normal (I’ve never done this....Im thinking). Negative thoughts aside, I never for one moment suspected what happened next. As I lay on the bed and took the first look at the scan, I saw this little baby lying on the screen, I immediately turned to look at tom and said wow this is so exciting, to which my gynie looked at me and said, “do you still feel pregnant” I immediately knew something was wrong :(

Unfortunately the babies heart had just stopped. The fetus was nine and half weeks, and I was nine and a half weeks pregnant which means the little heart had stopped a few days before - it’s what they call a missed miscarriage. At that point I thought I was in a nightmare and that this could not be happening...I couldn’t even cry, I couldn’t believe it.

It was Tuesday and my D&C was scheduled for Friday morning. I kept saying what if its a mistake perhaps the machine is faulty, I even scheduled for another scan at another hospital to check but they confirmed that there was absolutely no circulation, and no heartbeat. I scheduled another scan with my gynie for the thursday, the day before the procedure, just to make sure there was no life...it was so so hard for me - the heartache was something I can not express....it still pains me today - as if it happened yesterday.

I found out after the d&c that our baby was a girl.

Its weird that there are particular days that are harder for me, like the day baby bloom was due to be born 1 September 2008, and like yesterday the day we found out that we were pregnant, all these memory dates I suppose are all part of the healing process, and maybe just maybe when we fall pregnant again, the pain will fade and feel a little less painful...maybe just maybe? (I must say reading this now the pain has gotten better, but the hope that things could have been different doesn't go away)**

I first thought was we will get through this together and we can try again soon..after the d&c we should be fertile and it should all happen soon, but as we found out, God’s time is not our time.

We thought starting over was going to follow soon after, but that’s when it all began...

AF* (Aunt Flow)
POAS* (Pee On A Stick)
** (comments from now)

.......to be continued

...and so my blog is born...

Ok so here I sit, in my 2ww, resting taking it easy and finally decide to start a blog - not for anyone but for me. This journey we call *life* is indead a journey, one of tears, laughs, happiness, love, friendships, hardships, loss and pain. And in my 31 years (nearly 32 *blush*) of living mine, the last 5 have been the hardest. It is here that I wish to share our journey of infertility and the pain it brings to us who dream daily to be blessed and entrusted with the awesome gift of children...and so my blog begins...

Here I will share our day to day walk as we do what we can to have a baby and the miracle of life is in God's hands...the best place it can be.

My relationship with my husband and God has been tried and tested and pulled in every possible direction over these years, but both have remained ever so faithful and never left me or forsaken me no matter how big the challenge has been - and for that I am grateful! Blessed beyond!

At the end of the day it's about living life and living it to the full - we sure are!