Ok so the clock just struck 12pm and it's my birthday - I just turned 32! I usually really get excited about my birthday, but this year for the first time - I'm just not feeling it. It could be the fact that it is the first birthday ever that my mom will be 6322km away or it could be the fact that I am another year older and still no BFP!
Every day I try and tell myself that I will not let this situation and walk of infertility define me - I will remain positive and I will keep my faith, and I will hold on to the prophecy I received about 5 years ago - that my offspring will bare the name of Jesus and impact nations, but its hard - its so hard, not to be negative, and not to think the worst! Even though I hold that prophecy very dear to my heart, I still long and wonder when this will happen! ( I do not doubt that it will happen and I mean that, but I just wonder when!)
Im 32 now and my little heart will just have to wait a little longer for our lulla!
I look forward to what this year ahead brings our family, at the moment I stand at so many different cross roads, with my career, fertility, family....its exciting to see where and what this year will bring. What ever it is I pray for health, love and happiness. For God's protection over my family and friends!
I will keep you posted over the next few weeks as I feel in my heart....things are going to change for the good! Good things are to come....:)
Night world! and as I always say remember that the creator of this universe is besotted with you! xoxo
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
...what to do...
So I'm sitting at woolies coffee shop waiting for my 1 o'clock app with my FS (fertility specialist) for my follow up app - re our failed IVF cycle. I am - yet again - carrying a whole bunch of emotions of all the different chapters going on in our lives, and I sit asking myself why does life have to be so so hard!
Recently (during my IVF cycle actually) we got a phone call and asked if we would be interested in adopting 2 babies (6 mth baby boy (Jude) & 2 year old little girl, and they have been on my mind since the phone call...at that stage adoption had been something we had discussed but not decided to be our next step to fulfilling our hearts desire to have little pitter patter in our home, and have a baby to raise with all the love and care in the world! So after discussing it we decided things like that don't just come to you for no reason, so we have recently been in contact with the SW and have set up an appointment to meet this week. I just heard today that there are 2 other couples already who have gone through the whole screening process and evaluation etc and the hearing for the children will be at the end of September, so the SW (Social Worker) is concerned that we might be too late, but we are still meeting with her to see what we can do. You see with God - you are never too late - His timing is perfect! I have told myself that if this is meant for us and if it is from God - He has to open (ALL) the doors. Now I say this and try to just let God take control - but I have this fighting spirit inside of me to try do everything I can to get the opportunity to give those children the BEST love, care and family in the world! God knows they will be so loved....
...but I HAVE to leave it in God's hands, and just take it one day at a time. I promised myself not to get emotionally attached to this - but yet again - my heart is 100% in it! Like everything - I give my everything! "God please just give me the strength to surrender all to You. I need You. Can't do this without You." *tears please hold up - I'm in a coffee shop and people are going to start staring...sniff*
So I have to just take a step back and let it happen....
The other side of things are - what decision are we going to make re our fertility journey...to keep my tubes or to have them removed surgically or blocked non-surgically....will see what the doc says...one step at a time!
One step at a time.
Recently (during my IVF cycle actually) we got a phone call and asked if we would be interested in adopting 2 babies (6 mth baby boy (Jude) & 2 year old little girl, and they have been on my mind since the phone call...at that stage adoption had been something we had discussed but not decided to be our next step to fulfilling our hearts desire to have little pitter patter in our home, and have a baby to raise with all the love and care in the world! So after discussing it we decided things like that don't just come to you for no reason, so we have recently been in contact with the SW and have set up an appointment to meet this week. I just heard today that there are 2 other couples already who have gone through the whole screening process and evaluation etc and the hearing for the children will be at the end of September, so the SW (Social Worker) is concerned that we might be too late, but we are still meeting with her to see what we can do. You see with God - you are never too late - His timing is perfect! I have told myself that if this is meant for us and if it is from God - He has to open (ALL) the doors. Now I say this and try to just let God take control - but I have this fighting spirit inside of me to try do everything I can to get the opportunity to give those children the BEST love, care and family in the world! God knows they will be so loved....
...but I HAVE to leave it in God's hands, and just take it one day at a time. I promised myself not to get emotionally attached to this - but yet again - my heart is 100% in it! Like everything - I give my everything! "God please just give me the strength to surrender all to You. I need You. Can't do this without You." *tears please hold up - I'm in a coffee shop and people are going to start staring...sniff*
So I have to just take a step back and let it happen....
The other side of things are - what decision are we going to make re our fertility journey...to keep my tubes or to have them removed surgically or blocked non-surgically....will see what the doc says...one step at a time!
One step at a time.
Monday, August 9, 2010
It's how you finish that counts...
Found a beautiful book on kalahari.net - called "For This Child We Prayed"
The assumption is that if a woman or man cannot have children; it must not only be God’s will, but true evidence of God’s wrath in action. In For This Child We Prayed: Living with the Secret Shame of Infertility, Lena Arnold dispels this horrendous misconception through personal insight, and reflection. In her struggle to have children, she invites us to journey with her. It is a tremendous journey, which takes us through the heartache of a crying, barren womb to sitting with Hannah in the scriptures as she bargains with God for a child…to the man at the pool of Bethesda who experienced the miracle of Christ’s healing…to her own personal thoughts as she writes to her future children like Celie wrote to Nettie in Alice Walker’s book “The Color Purple.” Anyone who has a promise or a dream can benefit from For This Child We Prayed, it teaches you that faith can help you wait as you believe, no matter how long it takes.
It's about—encouraging infertile individuals and couples; reminding them that:
• God has not forgotten you!
• God has a plan for you, outside of your struggle!
• You are in your most fertile period of life, to accomplish every possible dream your heart can imagine!
• You should dream of tomorrow, but live for today!
It's all about your dreams…
So when your dreams have been broken in pieces
and your hopes appear as glass shattered;
Remember, it’s not how you started,
it’s how you finish that matters.
Though through the course of this life you may falter
and the end seems nowhere in sight
Remember, the sun always arises,
to displace the dark of the night.
Through faith there are mountains to conquer
and yes valleys yet to go through.
Yet if we but trust in the Master;
no dream is too lofty for our hearts to pursue.
Hope is contained in the spirit
that believes on broken wings it can still fly.
Towards the new life in tomorrow,
as it tosses today’s torments aside.
In this life as we strive for perfection
some dreams may become broken and shattered.
But Remember, it’s not how you started,
it’s how you finish that matters!
- Lena Arnold (The Finish)
"can't wait for my book to arrive" x
The assumption is that if a woman or man cannot have children; it must not only be God’s will, but true evidence of God’s wrath in action. In For This Child We Prayed: Living with the Secret Shame of Infertility, Lena Arnold dispels this horrendous misconception through personal insight, and reflection. In her struggle to have children, she invites us to journey with her. It is a tremendous journey, which takes us through the heartache of a crying, barren womb to sitting with Hannah in the scriptures as she bargains with God for a child…to the man at the pool of Bethesda who experienced the miracle of Christ’s healing…to her own personal thoughts as she writes to her future children like Celie wrote to Nettie in Alice Walker’s book “The Color Purple.” Anyone who has a promise or a dream can benefit from For This Child We Prayed, it teaches you that faith can help you wait as you believe, no matter how long it takes.
It's about—encouraging infertile individuals and couples; reminding them that:
• God has not forgotten you!
• God has a plan for you, outside of your struggle!
• You are in your most fertile period of life, to accomplish every possible dream your heart can imagine!
• You should dream of tomorrow, but live for today!
It's all about your dreams…
So when your dreams have been broken in pieces
and your hopes appear as glass shattered;
Remember, it’s not how you started,
it’s how you finish that matters.
Though through the course of this life you may falter
and the end seems nowhere in sight
Remember, the sun always arises,
to displace the dark of the night.
Through faith there are mountains to conquer
and yes valleys yet to go through.
Yet if we but trust in the Master;
no dream is too lofty for our hearts to pursue.
Hope is contained in the spirit
that believes on broken wings it can still fly.
Towards the new life in tomorrow,
as it tosses today’s torments aside.
In this life as we strive for perfection
some dreams may become broken and shattered.
But Remember, it’s not how you started,
it’s how you finish that matters!
- Lena Arnold (The Finish)
"can't wait for my book to arrive" x
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